Mike Noyce, Daniel Slade & Coco
The Alternative Review is Ujima’s number 1 listened to radio show (there’s no evidence for this but it’s a scientific fact). It is also the longest running show on Ujima, a concept invented by Peter Gabriel back in 1977 (originally called Tenko but no-one understood the name). Peter wanted a film review show presented by real people to review the forthcoming release of Star Wars. Unfortunately they couldn’t broadcast the show until Star Wars was released in the UK in 1978.
Dan And Mike were only 5 and 6 years old when they became the youngest ever presenters on Ujima 98FM (which would not actually exist for many years to come). They were accompanied by International Superstar DJ™ Satan Strange who despite his name, at that time was still playing bass for the least liked line up of Barnes-Wallis Simpson (not a patch on the previous Barnes Noyce Simpson Experience ) #1
Since then, The Alternative Review (or alt.rev as the cool kids call it) has broken many barriers of taste and decency and many guests have died live on the air. These include the first 2 DJ Styles, Mrs Divine #2, Lulu, Tommy Popplecock, International Superstar DJ™ Gabriel Normal and DJ Presto (sucked into Myriad). All the team members were murdered live on the air on the 2017 Halloween Special#3 and Michael also died at the end of what was confusingly called series 1 in early 2017 but he turned out to just be in the shower (see below about out-dated references). Despite all the danger, the team bravely review films every week against all the odds, increasing cinema prices and repeated assassination attempts by the current DJ Style (who still hasn’t listened to the 1977 pilot yet). Satan Strange has also survived being shot in the face and a heart attack where the team left him to die. It was only the intervention of Dr J and a Polish cleaner called Helga#4 that saved him.
Daniel, widely regarded as the most unreasonable presenter on Ujima 98 FM (and that takes some beating), barely disguising his contempt for the film industry, the team and the listener, it’s only a matter of time before he snaps live on air and does the unthinkable. Catchphrase: Unbelievable.
Michael, Ujima’s answer to Louis Walsh despite not understanding the actual question, a semi autistic savant with an encyclopedic knowledge of random stuff that no-one cares about………..and a sackful of outdated references nobody wants. Always living in the shadow of his famous author cousin who writes pornographic novels under a nom de plume #5. Catchphrase: Irrepressible.
Coco, the original groove ryda with a Z . A professional Hilda Ogden impersonator who loves to get ready to rumble at the drop of a hat. Inventor of Coco’s Film Fest Challenge or See Double Eff See (or CFFC as the cool kids call it) .#6 She is the show’s insurance policy. Catchphrase: Anyhoo.
April Henry. Up from the depths, 30 stories high, breathing fire, her head in the sky … April … APRIL … APRIL! … APRIL!!! The only person who could rival Daniel in unreasonableness but without the intelligence. She was once an hour late for a show because she was in Spain fighting a pack of rabid dogs trying to steal her pizza armed only with a stick. She had to punch them in their faces (ep 1.15 ). Currently missing in action after falling into a very deep hole.
Chrisdongley Arfur Normal (always after April). Abandoned son of International Superstar DJ™ Gabriel Normal. Due to neglect, he was taken by Gordano Services at the age of 4 and sent to live with his Auntie Barry #7. BARRY abandoned him at the age of 7 ¾ and for a year he was raised by urban foxes.#8 He then managed to reunite with his father who kept abandoning him to go DJing in expensive huge venues around the world so he ended up under the unofficial stewardship of International Superstar DJ (and layabout)™ Satan Strange. He then had to watch his own father die in front of him live on air (no seriously, this REALLY happened!) He didn’t realise this at the time because while attempting the ill fated chainsaw swallowing trick, Gabriel Normal was disguised as Satan Strange. Chris pays girls to watch Doctor Who, he is a published writer and, along with Satan Strange, he once took part in a show called The Gathering, a discussion show covering such subjects as cats, the computer game Halo, Kerplunk strategy and Russian erotic poetry of the 16th century. Anybody whoever listened to this show said it was the most dreadful thing they had ever heard. It was the single worst radio show ever made, an utter disaster. It was inconsistent, sloppily researched, the sound quality and presenting were both inexecrably awful, and it was simply duller than the dullest thing you can think of with all the colour drained from it and holding a placard saying dull. It ran sucessfully on Ujima for 150 episodes.
Felicity. A lady named after an apple (even though Mike thinks she is named after a Boeing B17G Flying Fortress that featured in the film Memphis Belle) a former pink lady with 2 photos in the Hall of fame #9 .When she annoys the rest of the team (like scoring one of the best films of all time a 2), she is called Phyllis.
Lydia. Winner of the Alternative Review’s prestigious and infamous Punch Mike in the Face competition. She had to write an essay on why she wanted to punch Mike in the face.#10 This competition resulted in 2046 complaints from listeners who demanded the competition be repeated so they got another chance. She hasn’t gone home yet as Interpol are watching her house so has begrudgingly become part of the team.
International Superstar DJ (and layabout)™ Satan Strange. The original version was a crusty old man (even back in 1977) who people often mistook for a sack of potatoes.
The first recorded sighting of Satan Strange dates back to the English Civil War, where he was was spotted in a field gigging under a hawthorn tree whilst men fought to the death all around him. He missed Dunkirk by two hours and was once assaulted by a horny rhino in Ethiopia whilst doing his paper round.
He has been in many bands including Radiator Tap Head ( he played bass ), Methuselah’s Stochastic Nemesis ( triangle and handclaps, fired for being out of time ) and Erasure, before being replaced by Andy Bell.
He was the inspiration for Stan Lee and Jack Kirby’s abortive comic book released in 1979, Dentist Receptionist Strange. It was canceled after only 2 issues and Stan Lee was forced to tour schools to publicly apologize to all the little kiddies.
He began DJing in the 80’s after wowing a wedding party with a stunning 2 hour set consisting of Green Door by Shakin’ Stevens and When A Child is Born by Johnny Mathis, played on a loop at different speeds with himself constantly shouting out “I’ve a gotta da munchies!” which coincidentally was the name of an Italian Art-House flick he starred in back in the 70’s ( he got 5th billing ).
He has two ex-wives with whom he shares two children, Christina and Ethan, even though they’re the same person.
He owns a kazoo given to him by Our Kelly ( the famous liverpudlian wrapper and juggler ).
Constantly useless and reliably unreliable on the show, he was still entrusted with several recurring features: Things You Can’t Do On The Radio, Final Thought and Shoot Satan In The Face ( lasted only 1 episode after he lost all his teeth, ep 2.10 ).
He has performed many of his own songs on the show such as Scary Zombies ( Train to Busan Rap ), Prince(s)s of the AltRev Show and I Did Not Hit Her ( his tribute to Tommy Wiseau ).
He was killed live on air by a faulty Christmas tree light (thanks Mo!) on the Christmas Day Special (ep 3.07).
Fortunately there was a Christmas miracle and he was saved by regenerating into a young beautiful woman.
International Superstar DJ and saviour of small frightened children trapped on an out of control runaway train (driven by her surrogate stepson Chrisdongley Arfur Normal)and then terrorists turned up ! with machine guns! ( Ooh exciting! )™ Satan Strange ( take that Chris Chibnall, beat you by 30 mins ).
Armed with breasticles he is now energetic, alert, cycles everywhere, has a genuine lust for life and most importantly, is a brave and heroic woman. When you’re alone and frightened and no-one else can help … pray she’s out there …
The Alternative Review has a number of collaborators who help out on the show including Adam Murray, Jaz, Sabrina, Debab ( presumed dead ), Silent Dave, Helly “The Butcher of” Dudley and countless other people doing unrecognizable impressions of famous celebrities at the start of the show.
The show also has a number of enemies who have tried regularly to stop the show from being broadcast. These include Sandra Green who invaded the show and played the Wurzels, DJ Style who tried to blow them up and DJ Presto who murdered them all on the 2017 Halloween Special before being taken out by the computer program that runs the station when no-one is there.
The Alternative Review has been described as “An examination of the contemplative introspection of the human condition hidden within the context of celluloid meta-reality and abstract nonsense in a parallel universe. And they have narrative driven series finales!” (Siadwel Boseman, Merthyr’s No.1 Black Actor)
If you would like to contact the show or send us any money, then please email us at: email@example.com
If you would like to tell us about your day or any interesting stories that you believe people actually want to hear ( even though they don’t ) then email us at: firstname.lastname@example.org
Please remember to ask for Steve.
#1. On the very first Things you can’t do on the radio with Satan Strange, Satan swallowed a whole sausage. ##1
#2 Star of Crimes with Mrs Divine.
#3. But they were revived by the Satan Strange fan club. ##3
#4. She wasn’t really but they are all Helgas to Satan Strange.
#5. FACT : nom de plume is a pretentious French way of saying pseudonym##5
#6 FACT: CFFC is the only original alt.rev game show format that has NOT been retroactively stolen by TV execs with time machines.
#7 Some say this is where his confusion first began.
#8. Some say this was where his second confusion began.
#9 The bin by the door
#10. Here is her winning entry in its entirety: Why not?
FOOTNOTE TO FOOTNOTES
##1. The first ever Satan’s Final Thought was “I wish I’d chewed that.” ###1
##5. FACT: Pseudonym is a poncy way of saying alias.###5
FOOTNOTE TO FOOTNOTE TO FOOTNOTES
###1. The first of many Helgas had to clean up the resulting vomit.
###5 FACT: Alias, as well as being a JJ Abrams series starring Jennifer Garner which ran for 5 seasons is another way of saying fake name.
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